Scrapped Princess fanfic

[evilredmenace.livejournal.com]

I just finished putting together a brief, and rather pointless Scrapped Princess fic. I'm not quite sure what inspired it, and it certainly isn't some of my best work, but give it a whirl. Tell me how I can improve.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2747095/1/

It's set prior to the series/manga.

Comments

[oneill]

Random concrit in point form:

• I like the central conflict. Given how Pacifica hates feeling so useless and tries to do what she can, I could definitely see her doing something like this.
• It's a good rule of thumb to go back through and eliminate as many modifiers as possible. If any adverb or adjective can be cut without changing the meaning, or even better, if you can find a stronger verb or noun that encompasses its meaning (e.g., "brother" instead of "male sibling"), do it.
• Actually, it's a good rule of thumb to cut out as much as you can, period. It's a chore, but it helps to go through and rework each sentence so it says the same thing with fewer words. Try setting a definite goal. For example, if you're a few hundred words over an even thousand, try cutting until you hit that thousand mark. This method sounds mechanical, but it does more to improve the quality of your writing than any amount of aimless editing.
• Avoid synonyms for "said" whenever you can.
• Avoid tense changes. The story starts out in present tense, then switches to past for the remainder.
• If you've got a big word when a small word would carry the same meaning, put the small word in.
• I noticed a few mistypes, such as "globes" instead of "gloves," "dealt this with" instead of "dealt with this," and "heady reliance" instead of "heavy reliance."
• Speaking of gloves, Shannon wears them most of the time. Why would he choose not to while working in a lumber yard of all places?
• I like the way Shannon made peace with Pacifica, especially the way he opened with "Your technique is lousy." Such a Shannon thing to say.
• The second to last paragraph does a great job of summing up the siblings' relationship throughout the series.

Thank you!

[evilredmenace.livejournal.com]

I really appreciate your critique... and you're right. Some of the writing is quite dense and wordy. And as for Shannon's aversion to consistent glove-wearing... I don't think I really have a motive. Spite or sheer apathy.

Again, thank you for taking the time to thoroughly go over this piece. It's nice to see some constructive assistance.

[shoeythoughts.livejournal.com]

Hey! If you've already written a scrapped princess fanfiction, could you e-mail the admins at FF.net and ask for a section for it? *~* Please??