oneill: Plastic Moon - Ars smiles, arrayed in goggles, a vest, an oversize bowtie, and a panda plushie (Closet Geek)
O'Neill ([personal profile] oneill) wrote in [community profile] sutepri 2007-06-20 08:27 pm (UTC)

Thanks for sharing this. :) I keep meaning to write something Zeffiris-centric myself, but the whole issue of AI intimidates me. You handled it pretty well, I think, especially the contrasts and similarities between Zeffiris and Natalie.

Noticed a couple of little errors:
  • The most chilling thought was that she had indeed gone insane just like every other Dragoon that had survived it’s Lord. - Since this is a possessive, it should be "its," without the apostrophe.
  • Both physically but also in his fiercely protective love for his siblings. - Kind of an awkward construction. Might be better to change it to either "Not just physically but also [...]" or "Both physically and in his [...]" just to make it smoother.
  • It had felt both aching familiar and heartbreakingly wrong to merge with him. - Since it functions as an adverb, that should be "achingly."

I <3 ShannonxZephy even if I am going to burn for it. XP

Why would you burn for something that's practically canon? XD Sure, her child-like appearance takes the creep factor up a few thousand notches, but still!

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